The Fruit Fly’s Buzz: Melanie B

19 Apr

Who’s Melanie B?

Miss Melanie reads, she writes, and she rocks. She teaches gender and cultural studies to teenagers, drinks cheap beer and well bourbon, and has been a lover of the gayz since 1983 (or possibly 1982 by proxy of her then-pregnant fruit fly mother).

Shameless Self-Promotion

Find out more about Mel @!

Melanie’s Top 10

1. My main thrill in life is when our outfits match. But I get upset when your calves look better in 4″ platform pumps.

2. I pretty much want to spend ALL of my time watching you have sex. Just thought you should know. With your boyfriend, with a random dude, it doesn’t matter. Gay sex is HOT. And if one of you wants to borrow my 4″ platforms for the occasion, I wouldn’t say no, even if you look better in them than I do. 

3. Additionally, I fantasize that one day you will want to “see what it feels like” to f the v. Hey, I started to switch hit and it was AWESOME – granted, I switched from the v to the d, so I guess I’m defeating my own argument here… shit. 

4. Okay so enough of my sexy fantasies… can we just have a pajama party? In matching pink silk jammies? 

5. And then will you explain why straight guys all say they don’t want their asses touched when every girl knows they love it just as much as the gayz? Gah, if it feels good, it feels good. Ain’t no shame! I love that you guys can openly appreciate this. I’m sick of pretending like I’m not doing something AWESOME. 

6. PILLOW FIGHT!! Followed by trying on outfits. And fruit flavored vodka! 

7. Sex now? Just kidding. Kinda. 

8. Thanks for always being so kind. You look great in that top, too! In all seriousness, you know what it’s like to be an outsider – and thank you for turning that experience back upon itself into kindness and love. It would be easy to be bitter, but nobody likes a bitch – and everyone loves a sweetheart and a sassy b. *rainbow confetti* 

9. Inevitably the people I admire the most in my life are my gay man-friends. I still think Brokeback Mountain is sllllllllow and has a cop-out ending, though. 

10. The world is a better place with you in it. I wouldn’t want to live in a pre-Stonewall world. Thank you for being so very brave and beautiful. So, what if I wear a strap-on? Then can I play, too? 😉


4 Responses to “The Fruit Fly’s Buzz: Melanie B”

  1. thekeithmiles April 19, 2011 at 2:42 am #

    I love love love love this list. And Mel. And bmac.

    Mel… Jammie party anytime. We may even watch a little man-on-man on the net. But, no. You can’t watch. Stop asking. (and can we borrow your strap on? We wanna try something)

    • xcarolineno April 19, 2011 at 4:27 am #

      lolllllz. um yeah but you have to boil it first. to make sure there’s no v on the d. 😉
      (i love you so much, keith!)

  2. AKNF April 19, 2011 at 3:07 am #

    LOVE this, especially #2 #5 #8. Clearly, we are related.

  3. Cake Betch April 21, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    I pretty much love Mel. How am I supposed to follow this list up? I’m so scared, mine will not be as good and then everyone will hate me.
    PS I’ve dated some dudes that were all ABOUT a little bum action and some were terrified of it. What feels good feels good, right? 😛

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