Men’s Room Rules

12 May

Listen, I held off writing this one for a long time. I’ve bitten my tongue so long, in fact, that I might just go postal on some poor dude at work if I don’t go ahead and just get my feelings out there. And if I go postal at work, then I’ll totally get fired. And if I get fired, then I’m going to have to somehow turn this sad excuse of a blog into my cash cow.

And I really don’t want to have to do that. I like my blog being the quirky hot mess that it has become.

So why have I shied (is that really how you spell the past tense of shy? Why did I type shyed about ten times?) away from this topic? Well, it’s about the bathroom. We all know I love to talk about poop, but even I have limits. And it’s because I tend to hate anything to do with rules. Rules suck. But, alas, here are my Men’s Room Rules…

Alright, ladies – listen up. And yes, I do mean ladies. I know who my target market is:  fruit flies and gay guys. And I know there are a few totally rad straight guys who read my blog too. But I digress. So, why am I talkin’ to the ladies tonight?

Well, if you’re a gay guy, then you already know the Men’s Room Rules. And if you’re a straight guy reading my blog, then naturally you are cool enough to already know the rules too. But ladies, please, please, please pay attention for your straight man’s sake. I need you to share these rules with him. Lord knows he won’t stumble upon my blog on his own. If you have any goodness in your heart, teach him about restroom etiquette.

And here are the Men’s Room Rules according to Bmac:

  1. Don’t carry on a conversation with me in the restroom. It’s cool to say “hello” or whatever, but I just want a freaking minute to pee (or poo) in silence. One time a guy tried to interview for a job with me in the men’s room. True story.
  2. Flush the urinal. I don’t want to smell your coffee from breakfast.
  3. You cannot let it just hang out and expect the pee to magically go in the right spot. Get a hold of it, buddy. And aim.
  4. It’s called a courtesy flush. As soon as the poo comes out of your ass, flush it. I don’t care if you’re not done. I don’t care if there’s more. Flush it. And then flush again.
  5. Tone down the sound effects while you poo. Listen, I’ve had the India shits – in India – so I understand pain. But you need to keep the heavy breathing and moaning to a minimum, pal.
  6. Don’t spread your legs so wide in the stall that your shoes poke out. I’m a gay man, so I know what shoes everybody’s wearing. And if I see your shoes, then I’m going to associate you with poo for the rest of your life.
  7. Don’t talk on your mobile phone while in the bathroom. I know this sounds like common sense, but obviously, it’s not. If I hear you on the phone, I’m going to flush my toilet as many times as possible and moan so loud you’ll think I have the India shits again.
  8. If you’ve been in there pooping, then don’t come out while anybody else is in the bathroom. We all just heard you taking a dump. If I see you, then I’m seriously going to have brain damage from all the mental pictures of you shitting your brains out. For the love of Gaga, wait till you hear me leave the room, and then quickly make your escape!
  9. If you pee (or poo) on the seat, clean it up. Get a big wad of toilet paper and clean it up. What would your wife or mama say if they saw the condition you left the bathroom?
  10. Wash your hands. With soap. Because if you don’t, I’m going to judge you for the rest of your life.

15 Responses to “Men’s Room Rules”

  1. thekeithmiles May 12, 2011 at 2:33 am #

    I have a firm rule. If either urinating or pooping make you winded, you should see your doctor about that immediately. Some of those guys sound like they are trying to pass a small truck. Look, if it’s that hard to go… I am sure you can get on an aggressive plan to poop easier. It’s called fiber, make it your friend.

    As for the courtesy flush, I can’t stress this enough. It’s a public restroom – you don’t pay the water bill. Flush it every time anything come out of you. The other restroom guests will thank you, I’ll thank you, the water company will thank you.

    Lastly, bathroom time is the one time that I am guaranteed to have to myself. Don’t talk to me. That moment is about me and my bodily function. Not you and your need to ask me how my weekend was.

  2. alby32 May 12, 2011 at 2:44 am #

    May I please make a plea for every person that reads this to share it with atleast one person and pass it on!?! Seriously, I vote this as THE Restroom Ten Commandments.=)

  3. Robin May 12, 2011 at 2:52 am #

    It may be hard to believe but, with the exception of #2, these also apply to some women at Chase!! Our local bathroom has become disgusting! I have begun to avoid it. The only problem is, the others are no better!!

    • Bryant May 12, 2011 at 2:54 am #

      That’s hilarious that they almost all apply to women too!

      I understand the bathroom grossness. I’ve been aggravated for weeks now, but today I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just had to wrote about it, or I was going to blow.

  4. stephanie May 12, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    This is great! Most of it applies to women too.

    • Bryant May 12, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      Thanks, Steph! 🙂

  5. thisisnotadetour May 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    This is excellent!

    • Bryant May 12, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

      LOL – Thanks, Abby! =)

  6. Cake Betch May 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    Hahahahaha omg, this made me laugh so hard. I was just in La Fogata last night and some dumb bitch pissed ALL OVER THE FUCKING SEAT. I was thinking, “Ladies, if you have the leg strength to hover, then more power to you, but please, please, please make sure you haven’t splattered all over the toilet seat. If you have, please have the humanity to wipe your own piss off the seat so some poor unsuspecting partially drunk person like myself doesn’t have to clean up after you.”

    • Bryant May 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

      Bwahahaha!!! Love you, betch. I think you are snarky enough to write the women’s version of these rules. I don’t know enough about tampons and hovering to do it myself. LOL!

    • greengeekgirl May 14, 2011 at 2:37 am #

      What is THE DEAL with women pissing all over the toilet seat? even if you’re kind of not sitting all the way down, that HAS to be some mega explosive pee–it’s not like it comes out in a wide spray, it’s basically a stream, right?

  7. greengeekgirl May 14, 2011 at 2:39 am #

    #7#7#7. This reminds me of when my friend Steph and I used to work at Starbucks–if someone barked orders at us while on a cell phone, we made sure to turn the coffee grinders on and shout at each other over it to make the maximum amount of noise.

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