Keith and I recently celebrated two years together (yay!), and although they have hands-down been the best years of my life so far, we’ve had a few, umm, hiccups along the way.
You see, neither of us had ever lived with a boyfriend before. And, oh, did we have a lot to learn! So, let me tell you about the “joys” of living with another man.
Look, I don’t mean to gross anybody out, but I have to put this on the list. Go with me for a second.
Let’s face it: men are hairy. Everywhere. But, from what I’m told, straight men are unaware of this “problem”. They think it’s normal for guys to be sprouting from every inch of their bodies. And, for the most part, they leave it all intact.
And, ladies, let’s jump to you for a moment. Yes, yes – I know you have hair. And you are acutely aware of how unattractive it is, and you are constantly trying to do everything humanly (and un-humanly…um, hello Brazilian!) possible to remove it.
Now, enter the gay man. We’re the worst of both worlds. We’re insanely hairy, and we know it! So, our lives are spent trying to groom, remove, thin, tweeze, cut, and manscape our hair. In your hetero-relationship, there’s typically only one of you with this obsession. We’ve got it double. And that takes me to my next point…
Not only do most men not like to clean, we’re generally just not very good at it either. I know these are very sweeping statements, but let’s face it – it’s the truth.
As a result, nothing is quite as clean as it would be in a relationship with a girl. Oh, and did I mention the body hair? Yeah.
If I were with a girl, laundry would be so much simpler. Frilly stuff with ruffles = the girl’s. But no. Not with two men. Everything that we have looks alike. And don’t get even get me started on socks. Every time we go to Target, we buy new socks. Yet, we never seem to have one freaking pair that matches (or is clean!).
And then there’s shopping. We fight over who gets to buy which pair of shoes or who gets that new purple button-down. Recently, we’ve just given up this fight and started buying matching clothes and shoes. And we’ll look like dorks on the days we show up at work in the same damn thing. And you all will mock us.
This is kind of like body hair. Men just have stronger scents than women, and yet again, we get this times two. So, our lives revolve around showers, too much deodorant, and mouthwash. Tons of mouthwash.
Over the summer, we had two of our best gal friends come to visit. And our house instantly smelled girly. It was lovely. Notes of citrus and floral filled the air every day! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want Keith to start wearing girly perfume or using body wash called “magnolia dew drop” or whatever. But have you ever smelled that shit they make for men? Apparently they think we want to smell like pine trees and something called “canyon river”. Please.
Ladies, you know those games you play with your man so that he feels like “king of the castle” and all that bullshit that makes him feel special? Yeah, all men need it. But oddly enough, no man really knows how to give it to another man. So, imagine two men in a relationship together? Yeah, it’s a hot mess.
Maybe that’s why all gay men are such momma’s boys.
Even in today’s world where women can do anything they want (and usually better than a man), there are still some pretty distinct separations of roles. Squashing bugs, for example. That’s clearly a man’s job. And so is going to the basement when the power goes out. Or how about when you hear a scary noise outside and somebody’s gotta check it out?
Yeah, well what do you do when there are two men? Do you decide which one is more manly than the other? In my experience, you end up with two silly gay boys jumping on the sofa and screaming at a cockroach on the floor.
In the end…
I wouldn’t trade my relationship with Keith for anything else. But this deal definitely comes with its own set of quirks. Ladies, you think your relationship is weird? You think one man is more than you can handle? Try two.
And now it’s your turn. I want to hear from you! Do you have anything to add to the list? Think you’ve got it worse? Gimme a shout!