Why I Suck at Being Gay

6 Nov

Disclaimer:  Before I get hate mail about stereotyping and that “gay people come in all types”, that’s kinda the point of this post – to show that clearly not everyone fits in a perfect, pink box. And if you do happen to fit into the mold I describe in this post, I am most definitely not mocking you. I hope everyone will read this in the good-natured way it was written, and I hope you smile, chuckle, or even laugh out loud.

One of my favorite things to do is laugh at myself and how, um, peculiar I am. Yeah, peculiar – that’s a nice word for it. I definitely don’t abide by any rules of the social norms, and being gay is no exception. Here’s Why I Suck at Being Gay:

1. I don’t own enough tank tops.

In fact, I don’t own any tank tops. Lord knows, nobody wants to see all that shit. I am secretly jealous of those cute gay boys whose entire summer wardrobes consist of bright, colorful tanks from American Apparel. (Have you ever tried spelling apparel? It took me four tries, and I still had to use spellcheck.)

2. I will never be skinny.
Don’t worry, I’m not being self-loathing when I say this – it’s just a fact. I have been a chunky monkey my entire life, and I always will be. And I’m okay with that. As long as I’m healthy, then I’m okay with myself. Of course, I’ll spend my entire life trying to lose weight, but I will never, ever be one of those skinny gay boys.

3. I have entirely too much body hair.

Speaking of monkeys, I have hair everywhere. And, yes, my life revolves around maintaining it so that I’m discernable from an ape. But I will never be one of those bronzy, hair-free twinks. And that’s okay too.

4. I hate gay movies.
Have you ever watched one? They’re terrible! We’re seriously talking the worst acting you’ve ever seen. And there’s no real sex. So, why in the world would I watch this shit? If I wanted some campy, cheesy fun, then I’d just watch Hairspray, Momma Mia, or any Shelley Long movie. And if I wanted to see cute, naked boys, then I’d just go buy some porn.

5. Gay boys don’t like me.
Other than the one with whom I live, gay boys typically don’t want to be my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I have gay friends, but they never seem to really want to be my friend. 99% of my friends are straight – and married (or coupled).

6. I have quite a few lesbian friends.
I know this may seem to contradict #5, but it really only builds my case even more. You see, gay boys are typically not friends with that many lesbians. It’s not that gay boys and lesbians don’t like each other; it’s just that oftentimes they have nothing in common. But that’s not the case with me.

7. I’m not on Grindr.
Have you ever been on there? It’s terrifying! They are so mean to each other!

8. I can’t dance.
No, really. I have zero skillz.

9. Gay bars scare me.
I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s because of #5. But for the most part, I won’t go to a gay bar unless I’m with my posse to protect me. The only exception to this is if it’s a dive gay bar – I love those.

10. I hate the beach.
Let me rephrase that – I loathe the beach. I get so bored just lying around, and I can’t stand to have sand anywhere on me. Then I see all the bronzy, hairless, skinny gay boys wearing tank tops, and I get pissed off.

5 Responses to “Why I Suck at Being Gay”

  1. Jo Black November 6, 2011 at 11:40 pm #

    Always learning new things about you. Always interesting!

    • Bryant November 6, 2011 at 11:58 pm #

      LOL. Maybe too much! =)

  2. gela December 8, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

    Bryant! You are sooo cute! I was laughing the whole time, I could imagine you talking! Haha!

    • Bryant December 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

      Hehe! Thanks, Gela! Xoxo

  3. liam January 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

    OMG you remind me so much of myself ppl are always like wtf your gay but your so big

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