Disclaimer: Before I get hate mail about stereotyping and that “gay people come in all types”, that’s kinda the point of this post – to show that clearly not everyone fits in a perfect, pink box. And if you do happen to fit into the mold I describe in this post, I am most definitely not mocking you. I hope everyone will read this in the good-natured way it was written, and I hope you smile, chuckle, or even laugh out loud.
One of my favorite things to do is laugh at myself and how, um, peculiar I am. Yeah, peculiar – that’s a nice word for it. I definitely don’t abide by any rules of the social norms, and being gay is no exception. Here’s Why I Suck at Being Gay:
1. I don’t own enough tank tops.
In fact, I don’t own any tank tops. Lord knows, nobody wants to see all that shit. I am secretly jealous of those cute gay boys whose entire summer wardrobes consist of bright, colorful tanks from American Apparel. (Have you ever tried spelling apparel? It took me four tries, and I still had to use spellcheck.)
2. I will never be skinny.
Don’t worry, I’m not being self-loathing when I say this – it’s just a fact. I have been a chunky monkey my entire life, and I always will be. And I’m okay with that. As long as I’m healthy, then I’m okay with myself. Of course, I’ll spend my entire life trying to lose weight, but I will never, ever be one of those skinny gay boys.
3. I have entirely too much body hair.
Speaking of monkeys, I have hair everywhere. And, yes, my life revolves around maintaining it so that I’m discernable from an ape. But I will never be one of those bronzy, hair-free twinks. And that’s okay too.
5. Gay boys don’t like me.
6. I have quite a few lesbian friends.
7. I’m not on Grindr.
8. I can’t dance.
9. Gay bars scare me.
10. I hate the beach.