I just got home after three weeks of traveling all over the country, and I’m feeling pretty snarky about the whole flying process. So, I decided to make a few rules – in traditional Bmac fashion. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them!
Here’s Bmac’s Rules of Flying…
- Get to the airport early. Yes, an hour early. Really. If you don’t, be prepared to run your ass off. And don’t get mad at anybody else at the airport– it’s your own damn fault.
- Just go to the freaking kiosk already. I’m still amazed by the number of people who act a fool and try to bypass the system. If my two year-old niece can use an iPad, you can use the kiosk.
- Do not try to take a liquid through security. Have you heard of 9/11, moron? Yeah, the TSA means business, and they’re not going to let you through with that bottle of water, snow globe, shampoo, or anything else resembling a liquid. But you can bring Jeni’s ice cream with dry ice – it’s a solid.
- Speaking of security, get your shit together for this dreaded task. First, pick the right line. Don’t know which line to choose? Here’s a hint – if you’re with your small children, you probably don’t want to go in the “Expert Traveler” line. Next, mentally prepare yourself with this checklist: shoes off, pockets empty, metal off, computers in separate bins, boarding pass in hand. Finally, sling all your shit on the conveyer belt at lightning speed because, lord knows, you and your toddler chose the “Expert” line and you’re holding me up.
- Now that you’re through that mess, go get yourself a snacky-snack. Please don’t be one of those old farts who gets on a five-hour flight and then bitches because you didn’t know the airlines stopped feeding people. Get out from underneath your rock, jackass. The airlines are broke, and only the most successful ones can offer you a small glass of Coke and a sad pack of peanuts.
- Go take a pee or poo break. Because if you get on that plane and take a shit, you’re going make the entire plane smell like ass. And then I’m going to have to give you my stank eye. Believe me, that ain’t pretty.
- Get to your gate. And for the love of Gaga, don’t stop in the middle of the walkway for anything. If you must stop, get your ass over to the side because I’m right behind you, and if you get in my way, I’ll give you my stank eye.
- There is no need to stand in that long line of people waiting to get on the plane. You already have a ticket, so relax and sit your ass down until the line dies down.
- When you’re boarding the plane, do not take weird, bulky shit with you. If you do, then be prepared for an uncomfortable ride. And don’t expect the flight attendant to have to help you. This is your problem – deal with it. Trust me, I’ve flown internationally with a rice basket, a hammock, a king cake, artwork, and drums – that shit sucks.
- Be a good neighbor. Get in your correct seat. No, I don’t want the middle seat. I purposefully chose the aisle seat because I know how bad the middle seat sucks. And don’t talk to me. This isn’t my first rodeo, so there’s not much of anything you can say that’ll be interesting to me. Just sit there quietly and eat your damn peanuts.
- Do not bring a baby onboard. And if you do, you better Google that shit. You better be prepared and have every trick up your sleeve for getting it to stop crying. Even if you can’t get the baby to stop crying, you better at least pretend to do something to help. Because if you just sit there, I’ll give you my stank eye.
- Turn off your freaking electronic device already. Here’s the deal, when the cabin door closes, shut that shit down. And if you don’t, be prepared to face the wrath of the flight attendants. Believe me, they can be some mean bitches, and they’ll call your ass out. I know that my iPad isn’t going to blow up the plane or make it crash, but you’re fighting a losing battle with the FAA. Lord knows they haven’t updated their rules and regs since the Wright Brothers.
- The flight is going to suck. I’m not sure when people started thinking that flying should be like staying in a five-star hotel, but trust me, it’s not. You’ve been on a bus before, right? Well, it’s like that. It sucks ass.