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Why I Suck at Being Gay

6 Nov

Disclaimer:  Before I get hate mail about stereotyping and that “gay people come in all types”, that’s kinda the point of this post – to show that clearly not everyone fits in a perfect, pink box. And if you do happen to fit into the mold I describe in this post, I am most definitely not mocking you. I hope everyone will read this in the good-natured way it was written, and I hope you smile, chuckle, or even laugh out loud.

One of my favorite things to do is laugh at myself and how, um, peculiar I am. Yeah, peculiar – that’s a nice word for it. I definitely don’t abide by any rules of the social norms, and being gay is no exception. Here’s Why I Suck at Being Gay:

1. I don’t own enough tank tops.

In fact, I don’t own any tank tops. Lord knows, nobody wants to see all that shit. I am secretly jealous of those cute gay boys whose entire summer wardrobes consist of bright, colorful tanks from American Apparel. (Have you ever tried spelling apparel? It took me four tries, and I still had to use spellcheck.)

2. I will never be skinny.
Don’t worry, I’m not being self-loathing when I say this – it’s just a fact. I have been a chunky monkey my entire life, and I always will be. And I’m okay with that. As long as I’m healthy, then I’m okay with myself. Of course, I’ll spend my entire life trying to lose weight, but I will never, ever be one of those skinny gay boys.

3. I have entirely too much body hair.

Speaking of monkeys, I have hair everywhere. And, yes, my life revolves around maintaining it so that I’m discernable from an ape. But I will never be one of those bronzy, hair-free twinks. And that’s okay too.

4. I hate gay movies.
Have you ever watched one? They’re terrible! We’re seriously talking the worst acting you’ve ever seen. And there’s no real sex. So, why in the world would I watch this shit? If I wanted some campy, cheesy fun, then I’d just watch Hairspray, Momma Mia, or any Shelley Long movie. And if I wanted to see cute, naked boys, then I’d just go buy some porn.

5. Gay boys don’t like me.
Other than the one with whom I live, gay boys typically don’t want to be my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I have gay friends, but they never seem to really want to be my friend. 99% of my friends are straight – and married (or coupled).

6. I have quite a few lesbian friends.
I know this may seem to contradict #5, but it really only builds my case even more. You see, gay boys are typically not friends with that many lesbians. It’s not that gay boys and lesbians don’t like each other; it’s just that oftentimes they have nothing in common. But that’s not the case with me.

7. I’m not on Grindr.
Have you ever been on there? It’s terrifying! They are so mean to each other!

8. I can’t dance.
No, really. I have zero skillz.

9. Gay bars scare me.
I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s because of #5. But for the most part, I won’t go to a gay bar unless I’m with my posse to protect me. The only exception to this is if it’s a dive gay bar – I love those.

10. I hate the beach.
Let me rephrase that – I loathe the beach. I get so bored just lying around, and I can’t stand to have sand anywhere on me. Then I see all the bronzy, hairless, skinny gay boys wearing tank tops, and I get pissed off.

How NOT to Make a Magazine

22 Sep

Preface:  I have never written about my job, and I don’t intend on starting today; however, the last three months of my life have been consumed by my, ahem, attempt at making a magazine, so I think it’s okay if I write about a work project – just this once!

If you and I haven’t personally spoken since before July, that’s because I’ve been up to my eyeballs with making a magazine. Yes, a real magazine. Well, it was for work, but still…

So, fast forward to today. I sent my finished magazine to the printers! And in just a few days, I’ll have a shiny, glossy, custom-made-by-Bmac, original magazine! But believe me – I’ve learned a lot of lessons along the way. So, I thought I would share with you how NOT to make a magazine!

Step 1:  Unabashedly say ‘yes’ to everything

“You want a magazine? Sure, I can make a magazine.”

Oh my gosh, I have no fucking clue how to make a magazine. I know how to read a magazine. Hell, I have stacks and piles and mountains of magazines – everywhere. But make a magazine? You’ve got to be kidding me.

One of my largest character flaws – it must be a missing or mutated chromosome in my DNA – is that I say ‘yes’ to everything. I can’t stand to disappoint people, and I’m also insanely competitive and stubborn. So, saying ‘no’ just isn’t an option.

Step 2:  Google can teach you how to do anything

Yeah, I know people go to school for this stuff. I mean, making a magazine is a lot of full-time positions:  editing, writing, designing, photographing, and so much more. But, sure, I got this shit. No problem – I have Google.

I Google everything. From colonics to knitting, I have become an expert in just about any random topic you could imagine. And making a magazine is no exception.

Step 3:  Have a team who will follow you blindly

I have a fiercely loyal team who know I am a hot mess, but they also know I can pretty much do anything I set my mind on. We may not sleep much, and my perfectionist bitchy side will most definitely come out, but, by god, we’ll make a magazine.

Step 4:  Half-ass your way through Photoshop & InDesign

I took so many classes online to teach me these incredibly difficult Abobe products, but let’s face it – to really learn them the right way, I should have taken semesters of school solely dedicated to correcting photos and creating magazine layouts.

In fact, my friend, Tara, told me that she spent an entire quarter at school on learning how to make a magazine cover. A cover! After I heard that, I stopped taking the dinky online classes, and I just started stumbling through that shit. I’m pretty sure I missed a major part of both programs; I kept reading about layers. Layers? What the fuck are those? Ah, who cares…

Step 5:  Get friends who know what the hell they’re doing

If you’re friends with me, you will absolutely be asked to help with one of my crazy-ass projects that I was too stubborn to admit that I didn’t know how to do. Don’t worry – if you haven’t been asked yet, you will be.

I file all your talents away in the back of my mind like a rolodex (oh geez, that makes me sound old – who uses a rolodex?!), and you could get called for help at any moment. Day or night. Usually at night. Hell, usually at 2 am.

Step 6:  Drink a lot

This magazine has seen my Summer of Sangria, my Manhattan phase, and an entire bottle of Tessora Limone.

I’m not sure if it makes me more creative, but it certainly makes me more tolerable to others. Okay, so maybe it just makes me pass out. Whatever.

Step 7:  Stay up the entire weekend before your magazine is due

When you have 30 hours of work left to do on your magazine and only one weekend to do it in, just stay up! Seriously, who needs sleep anyway? But be sure you skip Step 6 if you plan on staying awake. Drinking alcohol is not good for pulling all-nighters.

Just drink lots of coffee, lock yourself up in a room, and put on the Shania Twain station on Pandora. Trust me on that one. Nothing says ‘awake’ like 90s country.

In the end…

What’s sad is that I really could have picked any project in my life for this blog topic. Making a magazine just happened to be the panic-of-the-minute. These steps are honestly how I approach everything in life. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s who I am.

Geez, no wonder I have anxiety issues.

 


The “Joys” of Living With Another Man

5 Sep

Keith and I recently celebrated two years together (yay!), and although they have hands-down been the best years of my life so far, we’ve had a few, umm,  hiccups along the way.

You see, neither of us had ever lived with a boyfriend before. And, oh, did we have a lot to learn! So, let me tell you about the “joys” of living with another man.

Body Hair

Look, I don’t mean to gross anybody out, but I have to put this on the list. Go with me for a second.

Let’s face it:  men are hairy. Everywhere. But, from what I’m told, straight men are unaware of this “problem”. They think it’s normal for guys to be sprouting from every inch of their bodies. And, for the most part, they leave it all intact.

And, ladies, let’s jump to you for a moment. Yes, yes – I know you have hair. And you are acutely aware of how unattractive it is, and you are constantly trying to do everything humanly (and un-humanly…um, hello Brazilian!) possible to remove it.

Now, enter the gay man. We’re the worst of both worlds. We’re insanely hairy, and we know it! So, our lives are spent trying to groom, remove, thin, tweeze, cut, and manscape our hair. In your hetero-relationship, there’s typically only one of you with this obsession. We’ve got it double. And that takes me to my next point…

Cleanliness

Not only do most men not like to clean, we’re generally just not very good at it either. I know these are very sweeping statements, but let’s face it – it’s the truth.

As a result, nothing is quite as clean as it would be in a relationship with a girl. Oh, and did I mention the body hair? Yeah.

Clothes

If I were with a girl, laundry would be so much simpler. Frilly stuff with ruffles = the girl’s. But no. Not with two men. Everything that we have looks alike. And don’t get even get me started on socks. Every time we go to Target, we buy new socks. Yet, we never seem to have one freaking pair that matches (or is clean!).

And then there’s shopping. We fight over who gets to buy which pair of shoes or who gets that new purple button-down. Recently, we’ve just given up this fight and started buying matching clothes and shoes. And we’ll look like dorks on the days we show up at work in the same damn thing. And you all will mock us.

Smells

This is kind of like body hair. Men just have stronger scents than women, and yet again, we get this times two. So, our lives revolve around showers, too much deodorant, and mouthwash. Tons of mouthwash.

Over the summer, we had two of our best gal friends come to visit. And our house instantly smelled girly. It was lovely. Notes of citrus and floral filled the air every day! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want Keith to start wearing girly perfume or using body wash called “magnolia dew drop” or whatever. But have you ever smelled that shit they make for men? Apparently they think we want to smell like pine trees and something called “canyon river”. Please.

Ego Boosting

Ladies, you know those games you play with your man so that he feels like “king of the castle” and all that bullshit that makes him feel special? Yeah, all men need it. But oddly enough, no man really knows how to give it to another man. So, imagine two men in a relationship together? Yeah, it’s a hot mess.

Maybe that’s why all gay men are such momma’s boys.

Manly Stuff

Even in today’s world where women can do anything they want (and usually better than a man), there are still some pretty distinct separations of roles. Squashing bugs, for example. That’s clearly a man’s job. And so is going to the basement when the power goes out. Or how about when you hear a scary noise outside and somebody’s gotta check it out?

Yeah, well what do you do when there are two men? Do you decide which one is more manly than the other? In my experience, you end up with two silly gay boys jumping on the sofa and screaming at a cockroach on the floor.

Fail.

In the end…

I wouldn’t trade my relationship with Keith for anything else. But this deal definitely comes with its own set of quirks. Ladies, you think your relationship is weird? You think one man is more than you can handle? Try two.

And now it’s your turn. I want to hear from you! Do you have anything to add to the list? Think you’ve got it worse? Gimme a shout!

Things I learned on the bus

28 May

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So, Keithy and I decided to take a bus to NYC this weekend. Yes, a bus. The Megabus to be exact.

Neither of us has ever traveled by bus before, so we thought this would be an adventure! And an adventure it has turned out to be!

And now I present “Things I Learned On the Bus”…

1. This is not a plane. I know this seems like common sense, but I guess I was just picturing this more like a plane on wheels. Yeah, not so much.

2. There are no flight attendants on the bus! Where are my snacks? I need a complimentary Coke product, dammit!

3. No one else seems to think the bus is an adventure except us. These people all act jaded by the bus – like they’ve done this before.

4. Some cultures weren’t taught the valuable life skill of whispering. Seriously. I’ve had to listen to this group of people talk loudly ever since Pittsburgh, and that was 7 hours ago.

5. There are a lot of college kids on the bus! Is this how they travel? By bus? Wow. That sucks.

6. Oh god, the bathroom. And I thought airplane restrooms were bad. I’m avoiding this shit like the plague.

7. The bus may say free wi-fi, but after countless hours and fits of rage, I have officially given up on it. Free wi-fi on the bus is just an urban legend – like unicorns and bisexual men.

8. The bus doesn’t stop for anything! They make the rules, and they don’t care if you’re cold, hungry, sick, or dead. The bus must go on.

9. I was not prepared for how uncomfortable the bus is! I’ve already bought a pillow, a blanket, gum, snacks, and drinks from the gas station. There goes my money-saving bus ticket.

10. There is no level of professionalism on the bus. The driver got on the speaker and told us not to smoke weed while on the bus. God bless airlines and their cheesy scripts!

The Fruit Fly’s Buzz: Tara B, the Cake Betch

13 May

What’s  The Fruit Fly’s Buzz?

In case you missed it, The Fruit Fly’s Buzz is a series of guest posts by some of my favorite Fruit Flies – women who love (but aren’t in love with) gay men. The Fruit Fly’s Buzz is a Top 10 list written to the gay men in their lives – it can be snarky, sassy, bitchy, or sweet. Or all of the above. But most importantly, it comes from their hearts.

Who’s Tara?

I know Tara best as Cake Betch, and she’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. But I love her most for her openness and authenticity. Seriously, she’ll tell you about anything – and that’s right up my alley.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Tara writes the wildly popular blog – The Hot Mess Chronicles – where she’s “over-sharing one post at a time”. Go check it out right now. Wait, read her Top 10 first!

Tara’s Top 10

  1. When we talk your voice and tone and excitement level are always on par with mine. I can’t say this is the case with straight men. I don’t even know if they’re listening to me.
  2. You’re so freaking cute. I just want to pinch your cheeks. Well, I wouldn’t, because you wouldn’t like that. Maybe I’d just cuddle you, and rock you like a baby. And ask you how you got to be so cute.
  3. If I ever need to know the TRUTH about my ass size relative to these jeans, I will ask you first. The boyfriend is OBLIGATED to say I look good – it is YOUR job to make sure I’m not lookin a mess. 
  4. You love to gossip just as much as the next girl. So do I. Let’s go to it, cause there is SO MUCH to dish about!
  5. You’ve always got some kind of special little talent – homemaking, baking, cookies, arts and crafts, painting, SOMETHING. You can’t tell me that you’re gay without me wondering how you’re artistic. 
  6. If I come home and tell my boyfriend that I’m going to kick someone’s face in he tells me to calm down. If I tell that to you boys you’ll put some heels on WITH ME and go kick some face in.
  7. You’re always so SASSAAAAY! Did you say that properly? Re-read it in your best SASSAAAY voice if you didn’t. 
  8. If I need to find a really cute place in a really cute area you already have that shit on lockdown and are ready to do some tours. 
  9. You keep a cleaner and more well decorated house than I do. Secretly I’m hoping your good tastes will rub off on me. So far it hasn’t worked.
  10. I admire you for being the strong men and women that you are, standing up for what you believe in, even when ignorance still abounds. You have my love and support.
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