Men’s Room Rules

Listen, I held off writing this one for a long time. I’ve bitten my tongue so long, in fact, that I might just go postal on some poor dude at work if I don’t go ahead and just get my feelings out there. And if I go postal at work, then I’ll totally get fired. And if I get fired, then I’m going to have to somehow turn this sad excuse of a blog into my cash cow.

And I really don’t want to have to do that. I like my blog being the quirky hot mess that it has become.

So why have I shied (is that really how you spell the past tense of shy? Why did I type shyed about ten times?) away from this topic? Well, it’s about the bathroom. We all know I love to talk about poop, but even I have limits. And it’s because I tend to hate anything to do with rules. Rules suck. But, alas, here are my Men’s Room Rules…

Alright, ladies – listen up. And yes, I do mean ladies. I know who my target market is:  fruit flies and gay guys. And I know there are a few totally rad straight guys who read my blog too. But I digress. So, why am I talkin’ to the ladies tonight?

Well, if you’re a gay guy, then you already know the Men’s Room Rules. And if you’re a straight guy reading my blog, then naturally you are cool enough to already know the rules too. But ladies, please, please, please pay attention for your straight man’s sake. I need you to share these rules with him. Lord knows he won’t stumble upon my blog on his own. If you have any goodness in your heart, teach him about restroom etiquette.

And here are the Men’s Room Rules according to Bmac:

1. Don’t carry on a conversation with me in the restroom. It’s cool to say “hello” or whatever, but I just want a freaking minute to pee (or poo) in silence. One time a guy tried to interview for a job with me in the men’s room. True story.
2. Flush the urinal. I don’t want to smell your coffee from breakfast.
3. You cannot let it just hang out and expect the pee to magically go in the right spot. Get a hold of it, buddy. And aim.
4. It’s called a courtesy flush. As soon as the poo comes out of your ass, flush it. I don’t care if you’re not done. I don’t care if there’s more. Flush it. And then flush again.
5. Tone down the sound effects while you poo. Listen, I’ve had the India shits – in India – so I understand pain. But you need to keep the heavy breathing and moaning to a minimum, pal.
6. Don’t spread your legs so wide in the stall that your shoes poke out. I’m a gay man, so I know what shoes everybody’s wearing. And if I see your shoes, then I’m going to associate you with poo for the rest of your life.
7. Don’t talk on your mobile phone while in the bathroom. I know this sounds like common sense, but obviously, it’s not. If I hear you on the phone, I’m going to flush my toilet as many times as possible and moan so loud you’ll think I have the India shits again.
8. If you’ve been in there pooping, then don’t come out while anybody else is in the bathroom. We all just heard you taking a dump. If I see you, then I’m seriously going to have brain damage from all the mental pictures of you shitting your brains out. For the love of Gaga, wait till you hear me leave the room, and then quickly make your escape!
9. If you pee (or poo) on the seat, clean it up. Get a big wad of toilet paper and clean it up. What would your wife or mama say if they saw the condition you left the bathroom?
10. Wash your hands. With soap. Because if you don’t, I’m going to judge you for the rest of your life.

Keeping it fiber-rific: whole wheat couscous

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to be more fiber-rific.  It’s all about the poop.  I’m tellin’ ya – my life revolves around missing socks and poop.  Can I just have an effing endless supply of matching, hole-less socks and a daily bowel movement?  Is that too much to ask?

So this whole fiber-rific movement (ha – a poop joke without even trying!) is going,ummm, better than I had expected.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not even close to having a normal digestive tract, but it’s much better.

I kinda feel like a psycho when I look for food because I’m always counting the grams of fiber and protein.  The fiber is to help me poop – and the protein is to help me feel fuller for longer.  And this week I discovered a SuperFood!  It’s like the land of milk and hon…err protein and fiber! It’s whole wheat couscous!

I was wandering the aisles of Trader Joe’s – as I normally do every Sunday afternoon – and I saw a box of whole wheat couscous sitting on the shelf.  I’d had couscous before at restaurants, and I knew it tasted good – but who knew it was a poop maker?!  We’re talking 7 grams of fiber and 8 grams of protein!  I had no clue what I was going to do with this stuff, but by god, I was going to do something!

When I arrived home feeling very proud of my discovery, I got some pretty disdainful looks from Keithy and SNM (Short North Mom).  But I was not going to let any haters derail my plans!  So, SNM and I cooked some orange chicken and veggies over whole wheat couscous, and it was delish! Even SNM thought it was a winner!  It tasted great and gave the same type of feeling you get from eating rice.

Good job, couscous!

Britney Spears: Poo Cocktail Supreme

I’ve watched this over and over this morning!  I haven’t laughed this hard in SO LONG!

 

Trying to be more fiber-rific

Oh yeah, did I mention that I’m gonna talk about poop here?  Well, I am.

And if you don’t like that, you can use my nifty “categories” button at the bottom of my site to read about everything except poop.

Why am I going to talk about poop, you ask?  Because it’s such a large part of my life, and sometimes thinking about it consumes me. I’ve had major tummy issues since I was a little boy, and if using my mother as a guide, it’s not going to get any better as I get older. I’m not even 30 yet, and I’ve already had two colonoscopies – one at 18 and one at 28!

Anyway – back to the subject at hand:  fiber.  When I’m not on an extremely high-fiber diet, then I don’t poop.  Seriously.  For days and days.  And when I don’t poop, I become a toxic bitch.  And nobody likes that.  And lately I’ve become a white four & sugar whore, and there’s been very little poop.

So, for the sake of not being a toxic bitch, I’ve decided to make my life more fiber-rific.  I’m going to stop eating white flour and processed carbohydrates whenever possible and focus more on fruits, veggies, legumes, and whole grains.  Here’s what I bought or made to snack on this week:

• bran muffins with cherries and almonds
• frozen mangoes
• canned beans
• lentil soup
• oranges, lots of oranges
• grape tomatoes
• salads
• y mas!

And if you know me, you know I love to bake.  And this might seem counter-productive to my new “no whoring around with white flour & sugar” philosophy.  But I have a plan!  I’m going to splurge once a week on a sweet treat.  Either I’ll get some Jeni’s ice cream (oh, the corn syrup custard with whiskey pecans) or I’ll bake something fabulous – if I have a project I’ve been wanting to try.  That sounds easy enough and doable, right?

Well, enough about fiber and poop for now.  I’ll keep y’all posted on the outcome (but not the output!).